


I'm Sorry, But I Fell In Love Tonight

by BringMeThePhan



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, I cried writing this, M/M, Smut in some parts, Songfic, hella angsty, like soft grunge aesthetics, lots of referances about stars and shit, so if you cry, this is really heartbreaking, we cry together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 08:48:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7928377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BringMeThePhan/pseuds/BringMeThePhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They save love is blind and boy, was I blinded by the boy beside me.</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm trying not to let it show, that I don't want to let this go.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Title: Is There Somewhere- Halsey</strong>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry, But I Fell In Love Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so I wrote this to vent so it's gonna be hella depressing. TW for some gay slurs closer to the end, smut in different areas, and I think that's it.  
> / / also, this was meant to be a Fake You Out song fic but then I heard Is There Somewhere by Halsey and died a little from amazement because dAMN THAT GIRL IS TALENTED. So it's more of a Fake You Out/Is There Somewhere songfic now, mixed with one or two other songs. Either way, I hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> ps this took like a week to write between school and writer's block please love me through this I put a lot of effort into it

He looked up at the night sky from the rooftop, tapping the end of a lit cigarette on the ledge he sat on to get rid of some of the ashes. He wasn’t actually smoking it, that was too dangerous for both his lungs and his reputation. That’s how he was when I first found him- the captain of the basketball with glazed-over eyes staring up at the night sky.

“D’you ever think about how the night sky is just a graveyard?” He asked without moving his stare, probably sensing my presence.

“Pardon?” He removed more ashes before staring down at the glowing embers.

“All those stars are millions of lightyears away. It takes so long for their light to get here, that they’re all probably dead by now. Those glowing dots are nothing more than gravestones.” He stared up at the sky again, leaning back while extinguishing the butt of the cigarette. I sat down beside him, probably unwelcomed but hopefully not refused.

“That’s… an interesting look at it.” He nodded solemnly, pulling out a half-empty carton of cigarettes. He took one before pointing it towards me in a gesture of offering. I shook my head as he put it back in his jacket pocket.

“I don’t smoke.” He shielded the end while lighting it.

“I don’t either.” I stayed quiet, not wanting to possibly offend him. Maybe it was some way of blowing off steam?

“My dad said he’d quit smoking if I did some sort of sport to make him proud enough to want to quit. I take some of his packs to help the process of quitting along.”

“So he just has extra packs laying around from quitting?” He put out the cigarette before it was completely burned up.

“He never did quit.” He dusted himself off before walking away without another word, leaving me staring up at the stars with a halfway finished cigarette left behind him. Maybe I grabbed the cigarette to savor the moment, maybe. It’s not every day the most popular boy in school treats weirdos like me as if we were the same, or shares something that personal. It wasn’t like I was going to show it off to the entire world, ‘hey look! Tyler Joseph is some weird kid who burns cigarettes while staring at the stars on rooftops!’ Everyone has their escapes, maybe this was just his.

 

The second time I saw him was on the very same rooftop, though of course this time I was waiting for him there. He sat down beside me wordlessly, though obviously a little surprised to see me there. He pulled a new carton of cigarettes out and took one out before offering me one. I silently took one, rolling it around in my fingers while he lit his. I took the lighter when he handed it to me and lit the end before passing it back, staring at the smoke. What did he get out of this that was worth being up here at the late hours of the night where no one else would see this?

“I thought about what you said before, about the stars.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I have my own little thought about the stars to share.” He looked over at me before staring up at what limited view of the stars we had here in the city.

“I’m game.”

“So you know how everything’s made up of the same things according to the table of elements? If that’s the case, we’re all just a bunch of stars combined into one.” He flicked some ashes off the cigarette.

“I often think of something like that. Not that we’re the stars themselves, but we’re definitely made of them. Maybe that’s why people who seem happy have a ‘glowing’ complexion, or people who are weak are ‘fading’. Light metaphors, y’know?” I stared down at the glowing end of the cigarette while flicking some ashes off.

“Yeah, that would make sense.” He looked down at his cigarette, the embers reflecting like the very stars themselves in his eyes.

“Or starry-eyed.” He looked up at me quickly, holding my stare with an inquisitive look.

“What?”

“Starry-eyed. You know, when they say someone dreams a lot, they’re starry-eyed. Or maybe it’s just something to do with the light, I don’t know.” He nodded while staring up again. I stared at him for a while, before following his gaze. His dark brown eyes looked as if they belonged in the sky instead of trapped in his skull, and his disheveled hair looked like rolling hills one could go stargazing on, if small enough.

“Why do you come out here?” He looked up at me before extinguishing a brand new cigarette and leaving again. I guess that was the one condition- never ask why. It reminded me of Fight Club- rule one: don’t talk about fight club.

 

I saw him in another boring day of school, in the lunchroom. I was seated at a table in the back by myself, one of the many perks to being friendless. He sat a few tables ahead, laughing and joking with other members of the basketball team. He seemed so differently here- Tyler Joseph of the basketball team was an entirely different person to Tyler from the roof. He continued to talk about whatever basketball jocks talk about, probably parties and fucking girls and other ‘cool kid’ things. While I sat by myself in a band shirt, still thinking about stars as a new concept with what he had said. I groaned internally as I saw them walking over. Hopefully they wouldn’t focus on me.

“Well if it isn’t the lone Dun. Where are all your friends, at the weirdo convention?” One player said from the back of their group before they all laughed. I stared down at my hardly touched food sadly. They didn’t even have good insults, so why did it hurt so much?

“I don’t have any, thanks to you dicks.” I mumbled while avoiding their eyes.

“Oh, that’s right! Even other weirdos don’t want to talk to you!”

“Yeah, because of you guys.” I stood up and grabbed my things before leaving. One of them- Tyler- stepped on my untied shoelaces and sent me falling. They laughed as well as a few others while I helplessly picked up my books pink-faced, holding back tears. I looked up and didn’t see those starry-eyes I saw before on the rooftop in him. I stared back up at them with tears in my eyes before walking away to my next class, one that I unfortunately shared with him. It was usually pretty uneventful- I would sit in the back and pretend to take notes, Tyler would goof off with his other friends in the middle, and the when the teacher called on him some random person from the front would end up bailing him out after two minutes of awkward silence because he wouldn’t know the answer to what she just asked. Not this time though, I didn’t even get through the door.

“Just where do you think you’re going?” One of his friends called out, pulling me back by my backpack into the hall.

“T-To class.” He laughed at me, probably because of the stupid damn stutter. Their laughs and dark smiles were my only warning to the fist flying at my face. I reached up to see if my nose was bleeding when the next fist hit me in the cheek hard enough to knock me down. Starry eyes met my fearful ones, their light swimming in a sky of guilt. Tyler walked away as his friends continued to pummel me helpless. They left right as the bell rang, leaving me to pick myself up and walk to an empty bathroom to access the damage. I ran into an empty stall and locked the door right before the first sobs escaped my lips. It would be worse if they heard me crying. Footsteps came into the bathroom, hesitant once their owner heard me.

“Jo- Dun?” Oh great, it's  _ him _ . I didn't want to give Tyler the satisfaction of knowing him and his friends made me cry, so I stayed quiet except for the occasional hiccuping sob.

“Hey, open the door. I know you're in there.” I grabbed my bag and moved as far away from the door as possible, hugging my bag close to my chest while I curled up into a ball.

“Come on, I just want to see you!” He banged on the door. I sighed and shakily opened it while shouldering my bag.

“There, you saw me. Happy?” I shoved past him and walked away before he could stop me or say anything.

 

I sat on my bed, carefully putting make up I took from my mom's room on to hide my black eye and any other bruises. Stupid Tyler and his stupid friends, I wouldn't have to do this (or wash my now stained sheets) if they just left me alone. Why was I so much of a target anyways? I wasn't special. I looked over at the bathroom shelf after putting the foundation away and saw a bottle of bright red hair dye from my sister's last Halloween costume. They want to target me? I'll give them a reason to. Sure, I'll probably regret it later, but it's something cool for now. I kept my head low at dinner, the focus on my firetruck hair anyways.

“Why on earth would you do that? You had such nice hair!” My mom complained.

“Well, you certainly got it to look better than I did trying to be the little mermaid. My sister smiled slightly from across the table.

“That's not the point though! It's like I told you last year- dying hair a lot damages it!” I sighed.

“I don't plan on dying it that often though. Maybe just every once in awhile, with different colors.” My mom sighed before finally relenting.

“Fine, if that's what you want to do with your hair.” The rest of the meal was fairly silent, and same with the rest of the evening.

 

I laid in bed, trying to sleep after waking in the middle of the night. It usually went like this- I would go to bed after laying around on my phone for a while, I'd wake up from a bad dream or just being restless, and then I'd either go back to bed for an hour before my alarm went off or I would get ready early. At least for now, I waited to find sleep. That's when I heard it- the loudest, most bone chilling  scream imaginable. There's no way what was making it was human. But sure enough, it must've been. From my window I saw someone standing on the roof of another building down the road, and it sounded like the scream was coming from whoever it was. I snuck out my window after throwing a sweater on and into my backyard, pulling my bike out out of the shed carefully before riding off towards the scream. I wasn't getting anymore sleep anyways, why not investigate?

I groaned when I looked up at the building's roof when I arrived. It was Tyler, and his fascination with burning cigarettes and looking at the stars. Except this time, he was screaming. Screaming up into an empty sky, waiting for some sort of response.

“What the hell are you doing!?” I yelled up at him. He ignored me and continued, no distinguishable words being said. I sighed and snuck inside the building to the roof, only to see him sitting there dead silent, staring at the lit end of a cigarette.

“What are you doing!?” I asked frustrated. He stayed silent, flicking ashes off it. I groaned and sat down beside him, noticing a lone cigarette sitting there with the lighter beside it. I took it in my hand and rolled it around between my fingers before lighting the end.

“Have you ever thought about actually smoking one of these before?” He asked while watching the ghostly wisps of smoke float away.

“No. Have you?”

“I'll take a drag if you do. Just one though. You want to do more, that's up to you.” I sighed.

“Alright, I'm up for it.” I watched him while bringing the cigarette to my lips. We inhaled at the same time, and I was met with one of the strongest burning sensations ever in my chest. I coughed while my lungs tried to cope with the irritant as he sighed out a puff of smoke.

“How- are you- not dying?” He shrugged, flicking more ashes off.

“I guess it's because I'm used to it, since my dad smokes.” He extinguished the butt while waiting for me to go through mine, not pulling out another.

“I want to drive away.” He stared out at the expanse of city in front of us.

“That's… great? You'll get out someday, college and stuff y'know.” He huffed while grabbing my sweater’s hood and pulling me along downstairs from the roof to the parking garage.

“Hey- what are you doing!?”

“I meant now.” He let go off me after, looking around at a few of the cars.

“Do you know how to hot-wire a car?”

“What- no!”

“Pick a lock on one?” I sighed.

“Okay, yeah.”

“Great. Come on, pick one.”

“What, to take!?” He stayed silent, walking up to a random car- a nineties model Honda.

“Unlock this one. They have a radio.”

“Y-You know, it's kinda late, a-and my mom. She'll…” He scoffed.

 “You wouldn't have gone in the first place of you were actually worried about that.” I stared at him, a mixture of confusion and annoyance met with excited starlight.

“C'mon, Josh. You live your whole life one way during the daytime because it's what's expected. Why not do something else at night? No one except the moon and stars see you at night.” I huffed before walking over to him.

“Fine. You got a Bobby pin on you?” He pulled an entire pack out of his jacket pocket, a mischievous smile playing across his lips.

 

I was almost outside of the city limits at three am, in a car driven by Tyler Joseph. There was mostly dead empty fields outside of our small city before reaching somewhere bigger, why drive that far in one night? What even  _ was _ Tyler Joseph? By day, he was one of the biggest fuckboys imaginable- sports team captain, complete with spotless nikes and stupid cocky attitude. But at night, he was an enigma. He almost seemed like one of those soft grunge aesthetic blogs on tumblr, or a hipster’s instagram. But not some obscure haughty person. He was just a guy with a fascination for the stars, burning cigarettes, and late drives. This was possibly one of the biggest turn of events I could've ever foreseen.

“See? Driving’s good for you.” I looked over at him curiously before he continued.

“It makes you think about what you're hiding from yourself. Any feelings, or some sort of sign for something.” I snorted.

“The only sign I want is one that gets me to sleep…”

“Well then sleep. No one's stopping you.”

“Except for the fact that this might be some convoluted scheme to kill me.” He scoffed.

“Why would I kill  _ you? _ ” Oh, right. I was completely worthless to him, even as an outlet for anger as a murder victim.

“You don't ask questions. You're worth keeping around. And you know why, Joshua Dun?” Okay, that's a little creepy. Why does he know my full name?

“Why?”

“Because you keep yourself open to new possibilities. I like that about you.” I smiled slightly while staring out the window.

“So you promise if I go to sleep I'm not going to be the victim of an axe murder?” He snorted, laughing slightly.

“I promise you that.” He reached over and twisted our pinkies together for a brief moment. Huh, I thought pinkie promises were something only little kids do. And Tyler Joseph, apparently.

 

I woke up a few hours later, wrapped in the warmth of sunlight. I rolled over and checked the time on my phone, thankful that today was Saturday. Wait- how did I get in my bed? Wasn't I with Tyler all night? Was all of last night just a dream? I looked outside and saw that the bike I took was still gone- probably outside that old building. So then how did I get back here? I walked into the bathroom and saw smeared and faded makeup around my face and a bright pink sticky note stuck to my forehead.

‘Pinkie promise.’ The note also had a poorly drawn picture of two hands intertwined by their pinkies underneath the messy writing. I smiled slightly and put the note on the counter before washing my face off,  showing the awful shades of purple and blue and green around my eye. It was hideous; but it couldn't be hidden forever. Besides, it's not like it was my fault I got it. I looked over and saw more writing on the back of the note- ‘flame guy+ star child’ I stifled giggles before putting it in a drawer with cigarette butts from the last few nights and some other trinkets. I’d have to ask him about that later, hopefully tonight. I do have to go back there to get my bike.

 

I went throughout my entire day smiling because of Tyler (well, the Tyler from the building. Not so much the guy from school). I didn’t even feel that bad when my mom asked about my eye at dinner.

“Sweetie, what happened to your face? It’s all bruised, especially around your eye!”

“Oh, uh- baseball accident. During gym class the other day.” I was so happy and confident remembering last night that I didn’t even stutter. I successfully convinced my mom for the first time ever of something. I felt powerful- unstoppable, even- like a flame that kept burning bright. And that flame kept going when I went over to see Tyler. He was sitting on the roof, looking down at the street as if he was waiting for me. I smiled when I went up to see him, his stare again vacant and awed while looking at the sky. He absently handed me the lighter while I grabbed a cigarette he left out for me.

“Did you catch the sunset tonight?”

“No, I didn’t. How come?”

“It was spectacular. It means somewhere around the world today, an artist died.”

“What?”

“When we all die, we get one last thing. More often than not, it’s making a certain star shine brighter, or appearing as some sort of animal or natural sign to your loved ones to help cope with your passing. When an artist dies, they get that, and the honor of painting the sky at the end of the day.”

“So, is it all artists or just painters?”

“All. You can’t usually tell what kind they were. But it doesn’t matter anyways, because they got to make their last masterpiece.”

“That sounds cool. Do you watch the sunset every night?”

“I try to. Some artists die before their talent can be recognized, so that way they’re getting some form of tribute and fan base.” I nodded, staring fascinated at him. There was no way that this boy here with the starry eyes and scroungy vans was the same as the captain of the school basketball team. He acted so different now than at school. Which one was really him?

“We should go for a drive.” I flicked ashes off the end of my cigarettes, his eyes glowing.

“Yeah. I brought some cassettes this time, since the last radio was busted.” I smiled and followed him down to the parking garage. He chose the same Honda as before, handing me a bobby pin.

“Care to do the honor?” I smiled and took it from him, carefully picking the lock to the driver’s door. I opened it and unlocked the passenger side before going around.

“Looks like it’s your turn now.” He reached under the steering wheel and messed with some of the wires before the car started.

“Ta-da.” He slammed the door before pulling out of the garage and outside the city. Along the way he popped one of the cassettes in.

“Hey, this is pretty good stuff!” I shouted over the booming stereo and the rush of wind from having every window open at once.

“Thanks, I wrote it!” He shouted back.

“Wait, so this is you singing?! You’re amazing!”

“Thank you! I don’t usually show anyone these, so count yourself special!”

“What did you find special about me? The hair?”

“No, I already said! You don’t ask questions. You go with everything I say!” He responded quietly before looking up at the roof.

“Hey, there’s a sunroof too! Take over driving, I got an idea!” I crawled across the center console and grabbed the wheel before we could swerve off and wreck the car. After opening the sunroof he crawled out and sat on the roof of the car.

“Turn the radio up!” He shouted while gesturing down at it. I turned the volume up even louder than it already was, the sound of piano instrumentals taking over in the second tape. He sang along with them (screaming, actually)while I drove towards nowhere in particular. I looked up at him, the light of the sunrise hitting him just right. He was already extremely good-looking, but even more so when lighting like this made him look angelic.

“Hey, pull off over there.” He looked down at me before crawling back in when I pulled over.

“Something wrong?”

“No, no. Nothing’s wrong, just… I got another idea, i-it’s really crazy. Just tell me to stop if it’s too crazy for you, alright?”

“Okay, but what is it?” He wiped his hands down his jeans nervously.

“Close your eyes.”

“But-”

“Just do it, Josh. Please?” I hesitantly complied, waiting for whatever was in store for me right now. Soft skin brushed against my lips before another set of plump lips softer than flower petals met mine. He lingered before going to pull away, my hand grabbing the back of his head and pushing him back towards me. He immediately quickened his pace, wrapping his fingers around bright red curls. I leaned closer over the center console, licking his lips. His mouth immediately opened up for my tongue to have access. He moaned involuntarily as I roamed through his mouth before pulling away from his lips and kissing down his jawline and neck.

“God, Josh- you’re s-so good at this…” He mumbled while I kissed lightly down his neck, stopping at the crook where his vein was. I bit down softly before sucking, more moans coming from Tyler.

“P-Please don’t leave any marks, m-my dad will- Oh! Josh!” I continued down his collar bone, my hands sliding under his shirt down his chest.

“I didn’t know you were gay, Tyler Joseph.” I hummed happily before resting my head on his chest, listening to ragged breathing and a racing pulse.

“I didn’t know you were into me, Josh Dun.” He wrapped his arms around me, grabbing hold of my hands. I smiled up at him.

“Please don’t tell me you left anything noticeable.” I inspected his neck before linking our pinkies.

“I made sure not to.” He smiled.

“Thank you. I guess we should probably head back now, right? My parents will be waking me up in about an hour for church.” I sighed and crawled over to the passenger seat while he moved to the driver seat.

“And I’m sure whoever this belongs to will want their car back.” He laughed slightly.

“Yeah, probably.”

 

I made it back to my house minutes before my mom started walking  down the hall to my room to wake me up for church. I threw the bike by the shed and sprinted across the yard, jumping through the window and landing on my bed underneath it. I threw the covers on top of me right as the doorknob turned, almost as if it was in slow motion.

“Josh sweetie! Time to get up. We don’t want to be late to church.” I poked my head out of the covers, not having to fake sleepiness at all to make it seem like I had another one of my restless nights. Except this was a good kind of restless.  _ Really  _ good kind. I got ready for church and walked downstairs while adjusting my black tie. Once I made it to the kitchen, I started pouring a cup of black coffee.

“Josh! That coffee’s for adults!” My mom chastised.

“You mean like me? I am seventeen after all.” She sighed.

“Alright, I guess you could use it. You look like a zombie, did you even sleep last night?”

“Yeah, just not well…” I lied before taking a sip to avoid further conversation. I finished the cup right before leaving for church with the rest of my family. I felt alright until we pulled up to the building, and then I got nervous. Sickeningly nervous- I felt like I was going to puke while my knees buckled under any weight rested on them. What would they think about my hair? About my eye? About me? Crowds of people always made me nervous, but it was worse if they supposedly knew me, while I didn't know them. That felt unfair- as if they had some sort of advantage against me. I took a deep breath before walking out of the car and following my family inside, trying to ignore the side- eyed glances and flares from other congregants. The service passed by in its usual manner- slow, and fairly uneventful- until they announced a performance.

“We now have the Joseph family's son Tyler featured today for a very special piano and vocal solo!” One of the choir members cheekily introduced him as he sat stiffly in front of the piano. He looked out at the crowd for a moment, his eyes picking me out quickly and freezing. I smiled encouragingly while waving slightly. He smiled back slightly and began to play an old hymn while singing along to it. It was beautiful- but not as good ad i know he could do. His original music was a true masterpiece compared to his beautiful covers, unlike anything imaginable. I went over to him after the service finished, nerves still making my stomach do flips.

“H-Hey, Tyler…” He looked up before smiling at me and shaking my hand and balling it into a fist before letting go. That felt very out of character for him...

“Good morning, Joshua. How’s your family?”

“Good. How about you?”

“Good, thank you for asking.” He was acting very stiff compared to how he was at night. Was this just another Tyler Joseph the world saw? He made my head hurt from trying to figure him out.

“How’s the sports thing going? Basketball, right?” I played along, hoping that if I acted like I didn’t know he might tell me about it later.

“It’s going well. My family’s helping me out right now with scholarship applications.”

“Good, that’s… good. Any idea what college?” He chuckled.

“No, we haven’t gotten that far yet. Well I’ll see you around.” He waved while walking away with his family. I sighed once I was out of listening distance. So was this just another piece of the puzzle that he was? I felt something poking the palm of my hand that was still in a fist, and opened it carefully. Inside was a bright yellow sticky note with his messy handwriting on it.

‘don't look for me tonight.’ Why? Did I do something wrong? I crumpled it and threw it away. Who cares what Tyler's stupid note said, I'm going there tonight whether he wanted me to or not.

 

I stopped my bike outside of the building, going around from the back so he wouldn't see me at first. I snuck in through a lower story window on the backside and walked up the stairs to find him sitting on the ledge- No cigarettes, no stars, just a half- drained bottle of whiskey and a vacant expression at the concrete below.

“I told you not to come.” He commented without turning around while I sat beside him.

“I know.”

“You didn't listen.” He took a swig from the bottle before spitting it out on the ground.

“Yeah.” He took another sip from it before passing it to me.

“I-I don't drink…”

“You didn't steal cars either before.” I sighed and took the bottle from him before taking a sip. The alcohol burned like gasoline as I managed to stomach some of it, but spit the rest up.

“How did you drink half of that!? It's disgusting!” He smiled slightly bemused before dumping the rest over.

“I didn't.” He chucked the empty bottle, watching it fall and shatter across the street.

“Where did you even get that from anyways?”

“The fridge, my parents keep some out for occasional usage. They keep the good stuff locked away though. C'mon, let's go for a drive.”

“Okay, but I'm driving. You actually drank some of that, while I spit it out.”

“Technically we both drank. So by what you're saying, neither of us should drive.” I huffed before walking down to the parking garage.

“Fair enough. It's not like I could be doing anything worse than I already have in the last few days.”

 

I could. I could definitely do so much worse than just sneak out, or drink a sip of alcohol, or steal cars. I could lose my virginity to Tyler Joseph in the backseat of a beaten-up car that neither of us owned with an obscure tape playing in the background.

“Oh god, Tyler!” I moaned out deeply while he kissed down my bare chest, paying close attention to my nipples and other sensitive areas he found with his mouth.

“Mm, you're so responsive for me. I love it.” I rolled my hips forward into him while he tugged at the waistband of my pajama pants. My hands were gripped tightly in his shoulders, golden tan skin being littered with crescent moons from my nails. He moved down to my stomach and nipped at soft skin, turning into skin-breaking bites as I moaned out in pain and pleasure.

“F-Fuck me Tyler, r-right now!” I breathlessly begged. He made quick work of taking my pants and boxers off while I tugged at his before he swatted my hands away. He pulled his off slowly, teasing me with his movements and swaying hips. I grabbed him and pulled him closer while he continued, his little show enough to send me in a frenzy.

“God, Tyler, you're so pretty and amazing and-” I broke off into a deep moan as he reached down and grabbed my dick.

“You're so hard for me, babe.” He smirked while slicking his hand with saliva before wrapping it around and pumping.

“F-Fuck, Tyler! You're so good!” I shuddered when he twisted, pulling him closer and sloppily kissing him with lust. My tongue moved into his open mouth and explored while he continued. He pulled away and removed his hand from around me, causing me to protest.

“Relax, I have an idea. Like the last one I had, but a whole lot more.” I nodded while he sat me up and slid down, staring up at me with wide doe-eyes from between my thighs. He gently locked the tip of my cock before sliding it down the shaft. I moaned while running my fingers through his hair, trying not to cum all over him so soon.

“T-That's- that's a really good idea.” He continued staring up at me curiously while wrapping his lips around. I moaned and tugged on his hair, rolling my hips forward. His eyes bugged out slightly when more of my length came in unexpectedly before trying to take in as much as possible, his hands working with whatever he couldn't fit.

“I-I'm so close, Ty- I'm gonna cum!” I yelled before coming inside him. He gagged before swallowing, releasing his mouth after with a ‘pop from his cherry lips. I laid back on the seat, panting while he laid on top of me. He ran his fingers through my hair gently while resting his head on my chest.

“I just lost my virginity in the backseat of a car…” I smiled at him before starting to laugh. He laughed along slightly before I pulled him closer for a lingering kiss.

“So, I got to be the one you lost it to for the most part?”

“Yeah.” I smiled. “We  _ have _ to do something like that again, that was incredible!” I felt unstoppable after that kind of amazing experience- and also tired. He giggled when he saw me yawing, kissing my cheek before grabbing our clothes to put back on.

“We should probably start heading back since there's school soon.” I sighed dismally while getting dressed in the small space.

“Right, school.” Should I ask him about that now? If I did, there wouldn't be a chance for him to run it anything. But I didn't want to upset him. How was I to know what would happen.

“Hey, Tyler?”

“Yeah?” He sat behind the steering wheel after he finished getting dressed.

“How come you act different at school than you do with me?” His mood immediately darkened.

“I don't get what you mean.”

“When you talk to me, at night- you're so incredible, with your weird though about the sky and burning cigarettes. You're nothing like anything I've ever known before, and I-”

“Careful, Dun. Sounds like you're in love.” He mumbled while driving back.

“Okay, so maybe I am- is that so bad? Besides, I'm only in love with this part of you.”

“Ah, so you admit to your crime then.” I scoffed

“Wh- crime!? Being in love is  _ not _ a criminal offense!”

“Whatever, just continue what you were saying before.” He pulled over to the side of the road.

“No! I want to know what makes you fucking think love is criminal!”

“Just drop it, Josh. Pretend I never-”

“No! Why do you just say and act however you want, and the moment someone asks about it you just lock yourself up and hide away from everyone!? Why do you act like some stupid fuckboy at school, are you afraid!?”

“Yes, Josh, I am afraid! I'm terrified! I'm supposed to be the star player of the basketball team, who goes to college for it and live my whole damn life playing basketball and fucking cute cheerleaders, because that's just one of the perks of being captain! And yes, being in love is a fricking crime because I'm in love with a boy! I'm living my life in sin, Josh! I'm going to burn in hell, and all anyone will remember me by is acting as some stupid goddamn fuckboy because that's what's expected of me!” I stared at him from where I had shrunken back in the passenger seat from his outburst.

“I-I didn't mean to…”

“Mean to what, Josh? Please, _do_ tell me what it is that you didn't mean to do, so I know why the frick you're here then!”

“I didn't mean to make you mad! I care about you a whole fuckton more than I ever thought I would, and I just pissed you off! I didn't mean to piss you off, okay? I'm sorry I fell in love, or even thought of you.” I opened the door and started leaving. Tyler reached over and slammed the door before pulling me back close to him, his lips meeting mine in a desperate and sloppy kiss.

“I fucking love you, Josh. You fucking devil, I love you so much!” I kissed him back deep and lovingly, running my hands through his hair. I knew he meant it- I could just sense it, not including the fact that he rarely swears, and he just did. It must be something serious to him.

“If you're going to hell, I'll gladly follow you all the way there.” He pulled away and smiled while starting the car.

“Now we  _ really _ should be heading back.” I sighed while holding onto his hand.

“Okay.”

 

I barely made it back home on time again, not that I cared. Tyler admitted he loved me, and he showed it in the most incredible way I could ever imagine before he even spoke the words. I just hoped that maybe he wouldn't act like an asshole at school like he did before. I got ready and got to school, only to find it didn't seem like much change occurred in him. He was still with the basketball team, with his stupid nikes on, laughing with them about some stupid comment. I felt their eyes on me as I walked by, trying to keep my head up and be brave.

“Oh my god, he looks even more like a fag now than before!” They started laughing while Tyler's eyes lowered to the ground in shame, remaining quiet.

“Hey, Tyler! Get a load of the gay firetruck over there!” One said while nudging him in the shoulder. He looked up and forced a chuckle.

“Yeah, that's pretty… ridic-” The words were caught in his throat when he saw them approaching me, malcontent again in their eyes. I looked out at him, hoping-  _ pleading _ for some sort of sign that he would help.

He didn't. He just walked away as I was again beaten mercilessly. They again stopped once the bell rang, ceasing their kicking after knocking me on the ground. I ran to the closest bathroom and locked the door behind me, hearing the cries of someone else.

“I-I can't-” I knocked gently on the stall it was coming from.

“Tyler? Is that you?” He started crying harder while I tried opening the stall.

“I-I'm sorry, J-Josh. I-I can't do a-anything about th-them, you know I-I would though. I-I'd  hurt them s-so bad i-if I co-could.” I snuck under the door and sat down beside him on the dirty floor.

“Hey, shh. I know you would. I'm okay, I swear.”

“T-They shoved you to the f-floor and ki-kicked you! T-That's not o-okay, Josh!” I grunted while trying to get in a comfortable position beside him, grimacing from the pain in my ribs.

“I-I'm fine, Tyler. Honestly.”

“Y-You're lying to me, I-I know you're hurt!” I huffed angrily before lifting my shirt to show the bright bruises along my abdomen.

“Yes, I'm hurt, I'm in a lot of pain! But I'm telling you I'm okay, so I'm okay! Now let me comfort you, damn it! It's bad enough one of us is hurt!” He looked up at me smiling slightly with his bright eyes.

“Y-You're mad because I won't let you comfort me? N-Not because I didn't-”

“Oh, for God's sake Tyler, shut up! I'm trying to make you feel better!” I smiled slightly to show I wasn't actually mad at him, how could I be? They save love is blind and boy, was I blinded by the boy beside me. He giggled before cautiously nuzzling into me.

“You're so selfless, Josh. I love you for it.”

“Well, we can't have both of us suffering, now can we?” I smiled and kissed his forehead. I should've known then by the vacant look in his eyes that that was the very beginning of the end.

 

We continued to meet on the roof at night and burn away cigarettes before taking a random car from the garage, just to drive away for a few hours and make out, only to return it by morning. We also continued to avoid each other at school, knowing we each had our place there and we couldn't do anything about that. The only times I would see him is when I would find him in the bathroom after I got beaten up and would comfort him while he cried. We were sitting in the pick-up watching the sunrise on a Saturday when I finally began to realize the end was coming close.

“Do you ever think about what your funeral will be like, Josh?” I looked over at him while running a hand through my now light blue hair.

“No, not usually. I don't imagine it'll be anytime soon. How come?”

“I was just curious. If you're ever around for my funeral, I don't want to wear all black and act weepy and sad. Everyone else will be doing that, and I don't need you to. I want you to wear bright red like the sexy devil you are, and scare everyone with his big you're smiling. I want at least one person there to be happy.” He smiled slightly.

“That's… an odd request. I'll do it though, if it's what'll make you happy from beyond the grave.” He smiled while staring out at the sun wistfully.

“Good, good. I need someone to be the alien hiding amongst other humans there. Can't have everything be too normal.” He leaned over and kissed my jawline, trailing his lips down my neck while straddling me. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer into my embrace. He rested his head on my chest while I ran my fingers through his hair.

 

The next two days at school, a lot of unexpected things happened. Tyler came to school in his worn out floral vans, much to the dismay of the basketball team, who called him out for it.

“You're just like that fag Dun, aren't you!?” The leader of the group who regularly beat me up shouted. Tyler proceeded to punch him in the face before boldly walking over to me and kissing me in front of the entire lunchroom. We both kept our eyes on the ground or each other while walking to our classes, hands held tightly together. We stayed together as we ran to the rooftop from the school parking lot to avoid a group of guys wanting to beat us up. We moved up from sweaty makeouts and blowjobs to making love in the backseat of a car. I was in heaven, the stars in his eyes ablaze with bliss as we outed ourselves to the whole community through our actions at school. I know I was scared, hell- he was petrified. I was too, but I acted brave so that I could help him feel better.

 

The next day I didn't see him at school, and was foolish to think nothing of it. I came home to find Kelly and Chris Joseph, his parents, waiting for me on the front step to my house.

“You! You're the faggot who corrupted out son! You're the reason he's dead!” His mother called out angrily before crying into her husband's shoulder. Her words rang out to me, _dead_ being more prevalent.

“What-dead? H-He's not dead, I saw him. Last night we…” My voice trailed on, giving no details before silencing from their deathly glares.

“This morning he killed himself. He hung himself, and didn't even say why!” No one ever does say why, that's always the tricky part about suicides- you can never find out why, no matter how hard you try. I ignored her sobbing and stared blankly in disbelief, Chris handing me an envelope marked with my name.

“This was the only thing we found by him, there wasn't even a note for us. I hope you're fucking happy with yourself, you freak of nature. I had enough of them at that moment. I grabbed the letter from him angrily, tears threatening to ruin my facade of confidence.

“I'm not fucking happy, why the hell would I be!? Your son was the only person I ever loved like that, and the only one I ever will! Hell, I fucked Tyler in the backseat of the car last night, and do you want to hear what it was like!? It was fucking heavenly! He loved it and so did I! So I'm not the reason he's fucking dead, it's because of you! I love Tyler so damn much, and listened to him always with his starry eyes and crooked teeth. And all  _ you _ ever did was force him into something  _ he _ hated because  _ you _ wanted him to do what you wanted, and not what he did! And I  _ will _ be at his funeral, upon  _ his _ request, whether you want me to or not!” I slammed the front door behind me before slumping down on the ground and sobbing. How could he do this?  _ Why _ would he do this? I shakily opened his letter in hopes it would give some insight.

_ Josh, _

_ First off, don't you  _ _**dare** _ _ think this is your fault or anything to do with you. It doesn't, not badly at least. You actually saved me. That night you first found me on the roof was supposed to be my last night. I was just going to disappear,  and then you came along and you listened to me talk about weird stuff. And you weren't scared off by it. I knew then I was in my right mind for loving you. _

_ I've always loved you, you know. Ever since grade school (You probably don't remember me from grade school but whatever). You seemed so scared in front of or around groups, but the moment you were alone with someone you liked, you were fascinating. I was enamored (is? Was? Can I talk about myself in the past tense? I think I will anyways, so was) ever since then, even though I knew it was wrong. And when you showed me recently you loved me back, I felt like I didn't have to leave so soon, I could stick around for you. _

_ But you were getting bullied, and I couldn't stand to see it. I decided I didn't want to be around for it anymore when they started getting violent. I decided I would still be leaving, but not without a bang. I want you to know that everything I did that day was in hope of making up every time I watched you get beat up or just walked away, and I'm not even sure it was enough. I love you, Joshua Dun. It's time for me to go join the stars now though, where I might be accepted. If not burning in hell, in which case I'll think of your hair when I'm surrounded by flames. _

_ And please come to my funeral, I don't care if they ban you. Please come in bright red and be the sexy devil you are. I love you Josh. _

_ Tyler _

 

I wept while gripping tightly on to the paper, dragging myself up and walking to my room before shutting the door and laying on my bed.

 

I didn't leave my bed for two weeks hardly, not even going to school when my parents forced me to. I would go and find some excuse to be sent home by first period.

 

I did go to his funeral, though uninvited. I needed to see him one more time, and it was one of his final requests after all. I felt his family and “friends” glare daggers into me when I walked in with a red suit jacket on top of a white shirt with black tie. I even dyed my hair red again for the occasion. His father, being a pastor and very godly person, gave his eulogy in the form of a sermon, a sermon about sacrifice. I didn't listen to a word he said or give a damn to do so, because I sure as hell wasn't about to sacrifice anything. After he spoke, we all got a chance to look inside and see Tyler one last time before burial. When it came my turn to look, I almost puked. He was so sickly pale, and stiff while laying in a suit that looked a size too big. He was buried in his floral vans as well, probably upon his request. In that moment I was convinced Tyler Joseph was an actual star, and the body I had seen him through and made contact with was nothing more than his vessel. His teary eyed mother approached me as they lowered his coffin into the grave with a shoebox.

“H-He left this for you… we didn't open it, so we don't know what's inside.” I nodded and took it from her before leaving.

 

That night I sat on the roof I’d always see him perched on, and opened the box, inside were a lot of cartons of cigarettes he stole from his father, with a small , bright sticky note stuck to his lighter.

‘Half a carton a day. No more that that.’ Under it was a drawing of two hands linked together by their pinkies. I smiled slightly, more tears pricking at the corners of my eyes.

“Pinkie promise…” I opened one and lit the first cigarette in my hand, watching the sunset he painted in the sky.

 

I looked out at a seemingly starless sky, two weeks later. That's how long it took me to finish the cigarettes, and how long I gave myself. Until tonight, I had lived my life as if I never saw Tyler Joseph on that fateful night, expect for at night. I went to school, did my homework, and avoided everyone as much as I could. At night I would go and look up at the sky to see if I could pick one star and and hope to God it was Tyler, and that I might see him again through that.

I never found him, not once. I lit the last cigarette while staring down at the sidewalk quite a ways down. Sure, it wasn't an elegant way to go, but death wasn't ever meant to be elegant. It was meant to be finalizing, and maybe prove how blinded we all become by love. I was so blind that I didn't even see my own lover suffering. I chuckled darkly while flicking ashes off. I'd see him again, soon enough. Whether it was in the stars above, or the flames of hell below. I extinguished the butt of the cigarette before looking out at the sky one last time, anticipation to see eyes brighter than the sky wrapped in warmth and love. I stood up on the edge and looked down before closing my eyes, feeling a slight wind as I stood on shaky legs.

 

And I let myself go.   


**Author's Note:**

> Beth's emo corner- now giving out coffee, pop rocks, and sadness apparently. We can all huddle in blankets and cry together if you'd like because I'm crying too, I woke my dog up from crying so loudly RIP IN PEACE DOG


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